Somehow nearly two months have gone by since I last wrote a post… I guess this is what happens when I give myself permission to only write when I feel like it! It takes discipline to write regularly, that’s for sure, and I admire people who do it for a living or a serious hobby. I’m more of a dilettante, and I’m okay with that. I suppose like anything else it’s about finding the balance, focusing on one thing for a while and then moving on to something else when the time is right.
This has been a good week, and I wanted to capture my contented spirit with a few words and pictures. In my heart, I know that life is good and I am blessed. But it’s a struggle to remember this. Joy is elusive, fleeting. As I get older I notice it more, pay attention, celebrate it. And still there are dark days, bleak moments, times when my overactive brain and emotions make me feel like I’ll never quite get there, that I’ll never have it all figured out, that I will always notice too much and be unable to truly turn away from the things that upset me. That I will never find my niche, the place where I belong.
And you know what? I may not. And maybe that’s okay. I talk to people all the time that live in the same town they grew up in, or perhaps just a few towns over. Or they grew up in a nearby state, but they’ve never moved away from New England or the mountain west or Florida or wherever. People who just seem to accept what they have and that it is enough- they like where they live, they like the familiarity of friends and family and the known landmarks, the well-defined boundaries of their life. I’ve known people who moved to a new place but then they definitely found “it”- that sense of home, of belonging- they settle in and never want to leave.
It’s not only about geography. On a deeper level, I think it is about change, and how we respond to it. Whether we like it or fear it. And I’ve been thinking a lot about the way I can’t just take anything at face value, how I question everything and always look for the deeper or hidden meaning. Some people coast along through life and I am slowly accepting that I will never be that kind of person and maybe I need to stop wishing that I was. Maybe I need to embrace all the complicated things that make me who I am. I can’t fix them and perhaps it’s time to stop trying.
There is plenty that I can do every day even though I can’t make the whole big picture match up to the perfect image in my head. I’m learning that the solution is to simply do something. Anything, as long as it’s not brooding. There are so many things to do, so many ways to fill the hours of a day.
After Prince died a line from one of his songs kept going through my head… “maybe you’re just like my mother, she’s never satisfied…“. I don’t want that to be my legacy, something my kids think about me. I hope that ultimately they see that there is a whole lot more to me than my restless spirit. But I think it’s time to let go of my worries about it, my fear of failure despite trying hard to be a good wife and mother. I am who I am, and that will have to be good enough.