renewal

My husband took Emily and Jesse along on a work trip to New York City, so I’ve had a few days at home with only my youngest son. It’s been such a delight, so relaxing. I just wrote a lot about the more personal details, how tired I get sometimes, the skating along the edge of quiet burnout; and then I erased it all because it makes it sound worse than it really is.

And perhaps that is one of the concerns I have with the kind of blogging I do. People have complimented me for my honesty, for being “real”. I like it when I hear that- it makes my day truthfully. There is so much pretense in this world, so much emphasis on image and fear that people might know us for who we really are. I think that a lot of people are drawn to authenticity, as an antidote to the idealized version of whatever it is that we admire or would like to be.

But when I put it all out there in print, for anyone to see, I run the risk that it will be misinterpreted. I might understand what I’m saying, see the big picture, know that this is but one aspect of the crazy concoction that is one’s life. Being human means being complex and often contradictory. I can talk about being bone-tired, yet I also know that I chose this life and I wouldn’t (ultimately) change a thing. Not if it meant giving up one tiny piece of the life that I have.

So what I may write in the spirit of introspection and (hopefully) self-improvement, might come across as a whole lot of whining about the choices that I’ve made. And that’s not what I want. At this point in my life, I understand what it means to choose, to prioritize, to accept that we can love freely and completely yet still struggle to be the person we’d like to be. I just don’t know any more how that plays out in the blogging world, how much can be expressed and how much might be understood.

It shouldn’t matter, what people think, but it does. And so I will just say that I had a very nice break from the reality of my life, and I’m trying to figure out what I can do differently to be more of the person I’ve been over the last few days. I like the more relaxed me, and I want to rediscover as much of that self as I can, while still meeting the needs of the people I love and honoring the choices I’ve made.

Is it possible? I don’t know.

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7 thoughts on “renewal

  1. I see your dad in your two youngest boys. He was a good and kind man. I think of him every now and then. I saw his “twin” last summer, and it totally freaked me out. The twin was even wearing a windbreaker AND a hat just like Carl’s.
    I ate beet greens for the very first time this past year, and thought of him. He always seemed to have just been given a large clump of beet greens. I never knew they were so tasty, and so unlike beets…which I was not fond of as a child. I now find the yellow beets especially yummy.

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    • Thank you for sharing that memory of him, and the kind words. He was a good and kind man, and I miss him. I’m also sad that my kids never really knew him- only my oldest remembers him a little bit. I see a fair amount of him in myself, although I’m not nearly as religious 🙂
      I should probably cook beet greens for my family… I never do even though they all like greens. I’m thankful that my parents gave us “real” food before it was trendy…

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  2. Of course all your writings are only a glimpse of your life, your personality. One facet, never the whole picture. It has never come across as “whining” to me. I think every mother will understand the feeling of tiredness, of putting your own life in the background, and the struggle to put yourself forward again without “neglecting” what you love to do too. Finding the right balance is never easy. 🙂

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    • Thank you for saying that. It’s a fine line I think- a certain amount of honesty about our struggles is good and healthy, but I also see sometimes that people can go too far in the complaining direction and I don’t want to be like that either. Ultimately I always swing back in a positive direction in my overall outlook, and I just want to be sure that my blog reflects that.
      I also think that I’m just dealing with all the residual effects of too much stress for too many years- life is definitely easier now and I’ve become less tolerant of things that suck too much energy from me. A topic for another post 🙂

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  3. I appreciate your honesty and thoughtful introspection about your life. And so far as blogging, I believe we draw in our own – anybody wanting a happy coating painted over everything won’t stick around a revealing, conflicted blog. Other people will though.

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